i am in a moment in my life where i just don't know what to do. every day. in almost every situation. i am finding that there isn't much that i really know how to do. decisons that i don't know how to make. at least not for myself. things that come up and i don't understand why. and they are way outside my realm of control. because trust me, if i could fix everything in the world... i would.

in a moment of openness... i have cried more in the last two months than i have in the last three years. all in my room, with the door closed and the lights off. sometimes just tender tears streaming down my cheeks. others deep sobbs, the ones where you can barely catch your breath in between. i am learning that these tears are precious to the Lord. my perceptions, many of them still getting broken, thankfully. i used to think that crying, was selfish. oh, but how good it is for the body to drain itself in this way. to allow every emotion to stream out being wiped away by the only one who truly understands anyway.

i absoultely despise being alone. but this time of being here. by myself. without all these things i thought were so important. trying to figure things out. learning to grow and mature. taking on the grace and favor poured out. for this moment in time i am finding that loneliness isn't always so bad. because i am never without "the big man".

I think that I should invest in an iron. Literally, I went to wear a pair of khakis to work today and they were hecka wrinkly, so I wore jeans . And spirtitually. I think there are some things in my life that I need the Lord to come and iron out for me. I guess the question is now that I know what I need, will I do what it takes? Will I find a "ride to the store" and invest in one? I think this would be a good long term purchase. Plus, I would never iron my clothes when I was a teen, my mom always did it, even for my jeans. If I want to be all good and domestic then I might as well go for it.

Honestly, what could a little ironing hurt, right?

there was core roll outs the other night. this vision is such a huge part of my heart. it is fresher and clearer now than it was the first time the Lord gave it to me. someone wise once told me that before something can be birthed you must be pregant. i feel it was time for it to finally be born in my heart and life.  

sometimes i wonder if "the fire" will ever be something i stop praying for. i doubt it.

my heart is certainly awakened to so many things. the Lord has been good to me and has brought on a new wave of passion. and it's deeper. in the midst of a storm there is still peace to be found.

i'm sure a more detailed update will come soon.

... there is more.

to be completely honest...

i am at a point where i have no idea what the next chapter has in store.

and i am quickly becoming aquainted with this place in my heart that i have not been in such a long while.

overcoming complancey is a huge thing. trusting the lord with everything except the little things is not trusting him at all. being a servant of the king is to have found favor in his sight.

i guess the thing about this "best seller" is that i dont need to know what's next because i am not the one writing the book.

I have to admit that I am of the sentimental type. After spending the day watching home videos of Christamases past, going through boxes upon boxes of high school photographs, making grilled chesse and tomato soup for my lovely parental units, and sipping away at pepermint tea while laughing with my dad as my mom takes thousands of pictures of every move I make... I am feeling rather sentimental. Being in this place, as unfimilar as it is, also proves that I am an emotional being as well. But certainly not overly emotional. Here I am day two in a house that I never knew exsited, in a room I would have never called my own, with a bathroom that is right next to the kitchen. I mean honestly who can take ownership of such a place. But the Lord always uses the simple things...Amist all these unfimilar things what will I choose to do. Adapt? Or will I be something more? A light perhaps. No, more than that, to shine... like a fire.